


Wrong Place, Wrong Time

by limit_breaker



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Excessive Drinking, M/M, Ren gets white girl wasted, Valentine's Day, everyone ships it anyway, excessively bad choices, how tf did that happen, pretty much so does Hux, wait I think this becomes fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-21 00:42:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6031939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limit_breaker/pseuds/limit_breaker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux and Ren stop for a quick bite to eat at a restaurant in a small town on a remote planet after completing a scouting mission. They don’t realize until it is far too late that this particular day on this particular planet is hailed as a day for celebrating true love and coupledom. Now they’re navigating awkward territory while everyone around them assumes they’re together. They deal with it the only way they know how: poorly.</p><p>UPDATE: Now with surprise bonus chapters!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [Wrong Place, Wrong Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6056833) by [DisneySucks (Alucard1771)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alucard1771/pseuds/DisneySucks)



> ETA: thank you to Alucard1771 for translating this for the Chinese readers out there! I'm so flattered and grateful... even if also slightly mortified! ^^ (but also, that's really impressive???)

The pale suns were slowly descending towards the horizon. After several hours of walking around, surveying designated shops, buildings, and complexes, Hux believed he’d seen enough. It was just a quick scouting mission, after all, no need for overexertion, and the details of this mission had been vague at best, so without further direction, Hux decided to call it a day. “I think we’re done here.” He said to Ren. “Let’s return.”

“Can we at least eat before we go back to the ship?”

“What, are you really such a child you can’t wait the extra hour to get back to the _Finalizer_?”

Ren tried to keep a neutral expression. He wasn’t used to having to do this without his mask, but the mission had required them to be in plain clothes, looking as discreet as possible in this small town, and that precluded the possibility of arriving here masked. “I just don’t feel like tacos today.”

Hux sighed inwardly. As much as he was loath to give into Ren’s random whims, he was also quite hungry and really not in the mood for tacos. Thus, he acquiesced. “Fine, pick a place.”

Ren shrugged. “How about that one? It looks like it’s got a special tonight.” He suggested, pointing to a humble looking building across the street with a sign that read “Special Tonight!”

Hux splayed his hand. “Lead the way.”

\--

The restaurant was dark, lit entirely by warming candlelight. Hux was annoyed by this. His eyes were used to the bright lights of the _Finalizer_ , not this primitive backwoods fire technology. Once the First Order took this planet, they’d be sure to have electricity everywhere. No more off-the-grid nonsense. They’d have power, they’d get shit done. He was already building substations and power generators in his mind, linking these to a larger network of subsea cables and fiber optics, harnessing the energy to fuel the factories that would be making their new TIE fighter fleets, installing the… Ren nudged him and pulled him out of his reverie.

The small hostess was grinning up at him, ready to show them to a table. Hux scowled in return. Ren stared blankly. Once she had them seated, she left briefly, only to return moments later with a small candle. She set it on the table between them and pulled out a matchbook. She struck a match, but when she got within lighting distance of the candle, Hux suddenly leaned in and blew it out.

“That won’t be necessary,” he said when the hostess looked at him in confusion. It may be dark, but he could deal. He didn’t believe in such ambiance.

Ren continued to give an unreadable expression, but his eyes were darting around the room.

The hostess recomposed herself, smiled again graciously, bowed, and scurried off.

“Hux!” Ren whispered dangerously, frantic, leaning in.

Hux picked up the menu from the table and flicked it open, refusing to look at him.

Ren reached over to push the menu down so he could catch Hux’s gaze. “Hux!”

Hux’s eyes snapped to his with clear annoyance. “ _What_?”

“I think…” Ren looked around the room nervously again. “Today is a holiday on this planet.”

Hux’s eyes narrowed. “So?”

“It’s _Valentine’s_ Day.”

Hux stared blankly.

Ren pulled back and folded in on himself, looking almost embarrassed.

If Hux didn’t know any better, he would think a blush was blooming on Ren’s cheeks. His upper lip raised into a sneer. He almost brought the menu back up to read, but Ren again reached out and pinned it to the table. “It’s a holiday that celebrates… lovers.” The word sounded almost foreign coming from his lips.

“Lovers?” The word sounded equally strange coming from his own.

Ren swallowed, looking awkward. “It’s a sort of couple’s day event.” He tried to explain. “Look around, Hux. Everyone here… is on a date.”

Hux looked around. It was true: every setting here was laid out for two. Amorous couples made eyes at each other from across their tables, some holding hands, some flirting mischievously under their tables. There were red and pink balloons clustered in corners. Hux noticed now that all of the candles illuminating the restaurant weren’t for a lack of electricity; they were for mood lighting. Each one was a sensuous crimson color, as were the cloth napkins, elegantly folded into flower shapes.

Ren followed Hux’s gaze to the napkins and shot his hand out, using the Force to crush them both flat. Hux quickly picked his up and draped it across his lap. _Shit_.

“Can I get you two something to drink?” A waiter with a sweet voice asked pleasantly, startling them both a bit. She had a nametag pinned to her shirt in the shape of a heart.

“Alcohol.” Hux said, perhaps a bit too rushed. “Wine. Something dark. Earthy.”

The waiter considered Hux a moment and grinned. “I have just the thing, something special, recently imported from Takodate.”

Takodate. Another unruly planet in need of alignment by the First Order. Desperate times called for desperate measures. “Fine.”

The waiter looked from Hux to Ren and back, smiling. “Would you like a bottle or a glass?”

“Bottle.” Hux replied before the question was even past the waiter’s lips.

She nodded and retreated.

A few moments later, she returned with a dark bottle of wine and two wide-mouthed glasses. She set one glass in front of Hux and made to set the other before Ren, but Hux spoke up, “No. Not him. This is for me.”

Ren looked at him with dark eyes, squared his jaw, but said nothing.

The waiter looked awkward for a moment, but smiled politely and handed the second glass to a passing server behind her. She uncorked the bottle and filled Hux’s glass.

“Looks like you’ll be the one taking care of him tonight, eh?” She said winking playfully at Kylo. Ren did his best not to look horrified. Failed. He most certainly would not! He sent her a smouldering glare. Normally he thought himself above petty retaliation, that was more Hux’s game, but this was too much. The waiter set the bottle aside Hux’s glass and turned to walk away and Ren’s hand shot out. The waiter stopped abruptly. “Tequila. On the rocks.” He said. The waiter relaxed, but looked confused. “Sure.” She said with a slight hesitation, almost forgetting to smile.

Hux stared at Ren once she had walked off. “‘Tequila on the rocks?’ Are you fucking serious? Ren, do you even drink?”

“Why does everyone always assume that?”

“Probably because you just ordered a tequila on the rocks. Who would even _do_ that?”

Ren shrugged, pouted. Okay, so, no he wasn’t a drinker. Tequila was the first thing that had come to mind. “On the rocks” was just an afterthought, probably picked up from some old holofilm he’d watched as a child. Or perhaps from his fath— his pout became a scowl. Hux sipped his wine.

The waiter returned soon after and sat the drink before Ren. Ren picked it up and slugged a big gulp.

Hux raised an eyebrow, his own glass poised on his lips. It was taking all the sheer willpower Ren could muster to keep his face neutral while this vile poison burned down his esophagus and into his stomach. Hux caught the faintest trace of tears pooling in Ren's eyes and smirked, returning to nursing his wine.

Ren saw Hux’s smugness and threw back the rest, slamming his empty glass down with a heavy _smack_ on the table. “Another!” He called out.

Hux looked surprised. So did the waiter. So did Ren.

“Ah—yes, of course.” She said, maintaining her obnoxiously well-meaning smile. She scurried off to procure another drink.

Ren swallowed the urge to say something nasty to Hux and busied himself with the menu. Hux took a large gulp of wine and did the same.

When the waiter returned with his second tequila on the rocks, they were both ready to order and did so without wasting time. Hux flicked his eyes at the waiter who recognized this as a cue to refill his wine glass. “Don’t let this glass get empty.” Hux commanded, staring her in the eye.

“Of course not, sir.”

She headed off towards the kitchen with a smile. Hux hated her.

Ren sipped his drink more carefully this time, but it was just as vile. Why did people do this to themselves?

He tried to recenter himself. Suddenly, he was overwhelmed by the unconscious mind-feedback he was receiving from the other beings in the restaurant. All sorts of crude, erotic, sinful fantasies were floating through the air, intermixing with trite declarations of love and enchantment. He tried to shake them out of his head, but they persisted. Images of naked bodies intertwined, kind words being whispered into the ears of their lover. It was cracking his already fragile psyche. He suspiciously eyed his drink, wondering if it was the reason he was having a harder time filtering out the wandering thoughts of the other patrons.

He felt the eyes of another couple on him now. No, not just him. They were looking at him _and Hux._ They were wondering about their… bedroom configurations. Ren’s pale cheeks were a flush pink with the ideas they were unknowingly sending him. He had never thought of Hux like that. He had never thought of _himself_ like that. And he _certainly_ never thought of himself and Hux like that.

Hux set down his glass after another long drag. “For fuck’s sake, Ren, what now?” He asked, sensing Kylo’s growing mortification.

“They’re… considering our…” Ren couldn’t bring himself to complete the thought.

“Our _what_?”

“Our… positions.” The pink tint was quickly turning red.

“Positions? They couldn’t possibly know we’re with the First Order. We’re here in civilian clothes.”

“Not military positions, Hux!”

Hux blinked in confusion. “What?”

“Everyone here thinks we’re a couple!” Ren blurted out and looked around, hoping no one was watching. Hux’s eyes widened with something akin to shock, horror, perhaps.

“Need some more wine, sir?” said a server behind him.

The glass was barely half-emptied, but Hux downed the entire thing. “Desperately.”

Just then, some old love ballad from Naboo began playing overhead.

“Oh, this is such a lovely tune!” Chirped the server, “So romantic! You’ll love it.”

Hux barely stifled a groan and rolled his eyes, tightening his grip on the glass in hand. Ren took another daring gulp of his iced tequila.

It was a song of how two former enemies were brought together as one by the power of true love.

Hux could feel the hatred welling up inside of him. The glass threatened to shatter under his steel grip. Kylo continued to look mortified. He couldn’t look up, and he especially couldn’t look at Hux. He wanted his mask, his cowl, his robes, anything, anything to hide from this torture. He reached for his tequila and clung to it, tense all over. His cheeks were still pink and he could feel Hux stewing in his own anger, attempting to douse it with more wine.

Tthe overly-jovial waiter returned with their food and they both breathed a sigh of relief. She set the heart-shaped plates in front of them and offered Hux more drink, which he instantly accepted. By now more than half the bottle was already gone.

“Okay, there you go! You two sweethearts enjoy!” If her cheer was designed to be infectious, the only symptom Ren and Hux were showing was a kind of nausea. Hux used his eyes to cast daggers at her back as she retreated.

“I could kill them,” Ren suggested, deadpan, after she was out of earshot. “All of them.”

Knowing Ren, Hux wasn’t sure how much of that was hyperbole and how much was an earnest desire to wreak havoc. He smiled anyway at the thought of it. That would teach them… he took another sip of wine and imagined the bloodbath. Imagined Ren powering on his lightsaber, waiting for Hux’s command. Imagined himself taking another sip of this delightful wine before giving the order and standing back to watch Ren’s magnificent tirade, like letting a junkyard dog off-leash… all of these fools murdered and lying in a pool of their own blood, shattered hearts littering the ground.

“Well I’m glad you’re in such a good mood about all of this.” Ren sneered from across the table, stabbing into his food and knocking Hux out of his pleasant, vicious, daydreams. He swallowed the last of his tequila and held the empty glass up for the waiter to see. She nodded.

“Good mood? This was your idea, I won’t have you forget.”

“I had no idea it was going to be like this!” He almost shouted. “Forgive me for not being privy to the ways of such backwater civilizations.”

“What, the Force not strong enough with you?”

“That’s not how the Force works, _General_.” He replied through gritted teeth. The waiter set down a third glass of tequila before Ren and walked off. Ren could feel the alcohol numbing his already-poor impulse control. “Maybe _you_ should have prepared better intelligence as to the cultural practices of the planet we were to be scouting today!” He pointed his knife at Hux daringly.

Hux scoffed and casually parried Ren’s half-hearted attack with his own cutlery. “I wouldn’t waste my time. When the First Order takes this planet over, there will be no culture left.”

Ren considered. He raised his glass. “I’ll drink to that.”

Hux inclined his head and clinked his glass against Ren’s.

The server interrupted them again to refill Hux’s wine. She gave him a kind nod and a pat on the shoulder. “He’s a cutie, you’re lucky!” She said to Ren, who gripped his fork a little tighter, barely managing to resist the temptation to stab her with it. Hux noticed this and wished for once that he’d let loose. She smiled and wandered off.

Ren fumed and said nothing more as he dug into his food. Hux followed suit. To anyone watching, they might have assumed the two were in a race to see who could finish quickest, stuffing mouthful after mouthful into their already full mouths.

They threw their utensils down at the same time and slung back the last of their drinks, slamming the empty cups down on the table. Ren’s head reeled. Maybe he should have taken it a bit easier. He looked at Hux who was gazing longingly at his now-empty wine bottle.

“Well, shouldn’t we get going?” Ren slurred at Hux, who was just… sitting there. “Well?” Ren repeated when he didn’t move. He didn’t feel so well.

“I can’t.” Hux mumbled under his breath.

“What?”

“I can’t get up, Ren.” He mumbled again, only slightly louder.

Ren leaned in close to better hear what Hux was trying to say. Hux leaned in, too, eyes swimming and unfocused. His normal pallor was a flush pink, his lips and teeth stained dark red. He hiccupped and realization washed over Ren.

Hux was drunk.

No.

Hux was _shitfaced_.

And so was he.

“I –hiccup—think… too much wine.”

“No shit.”

“Shut up, Mr. Tequila-On-The-Rocks.”

“I’m not drunk at all.” Ren lied clumsily, with a wave of his hand in front of Hux’s face.

Hux was unmoved by Ren's failure to invoke the Force. “Yes, you are.”

Ren’s brow furrowed. Suddenly, another realization dawned on him. “Shit! We can't go back to the  _Finalizer_ like this, neither of us can fly.”

“Can I get you two anything else? Or just the check?”

“We’ve already paid.” Ren said with a wave of his hand. His focus was unsteady.

The waiter crinkled her tiny nose, perhaps thinking it was a joke. “No, you haven’t.”

Ren looked taken aback. “Yes,” he tried again, “we have.”

The waiter smiled again, though this time her patience was being tested. “No,” she said, waving her hand. “You haven’t.”

“Yes, we have!” Ren slammed his fists on the table, angry at his lack of control in this situation.

“Forgive him, he’s had a bit too much to drink.” Hux said, handing a card to the waiter. The waiter took it graciously and gave Ren a look as she walked away that said clearly, Force-sensitive or not, _‘I don’t know what he sees in you.’_

She returned again moments later to collect a signature from Hux, who lazily scribbled something illegible and sent her on her way.

“Snoke’s credit card.” Hux said with a hiccup and a smirk.

“Snoke gave you a credit card?”

“Of course he did, First Order business.”

“He never gave me one!”

“Hm, I wonder why.” Hux didn’t wonder.

He attempted to stand. He managed all right, but looked unsteady. A quick mind-read by Ren informed him that Hux had no idea how he’d gotten this drunk ( _it was the wine, you idiot_ ) and he was worried he’d trip over his own two feet if he weren’t very, very careful. The fact that the solid-lined figures were already starting to blur was also of some concern to him. Ren withdrew his mind and the room swayed. He saw what Hux meant about the lines blurring.

He stood, just as uneasy as Hux. _Shit._ He looked around. The room swayed again. Most of the patrons at the other tables were also sharing bottles of liquor, still gazing longingly into each other’s eyes, holding hands across the table tops, playing footsie underneath the tables. The air was buzzing with giddy, amorous tension. It was sickening. “Well, it’s your lucky day, Hux. Everyone here is too infatuated with their own affairs that no one will notice you stumbling out of here like the drunk fool you are.” He slurred.

Hux tried to glare at him but the hiccup took away from its singeing effect. “Speak for yourself.”

“Where are we even going? Neither of us can fly in this condition.”

“Just... get back to the ship and we’ll sober up eventually. We can't let the crew see us like this anyway. Phasma would kill us both.” He concentrated on the task at hand.

“Wait there.” Ren said. Hux refocused on him. Gripping the table for stability, Ren walked, hand-over-hand, around to Hux’s side and offered his arm. They both reeked of alcohol. “Don’t fight it. It’ll look even worse.” He said under his breath when he sensed that Hux was about to lash out at him.

Ren grabbed Hux by the arm and slung it around his shoulder. He wrapped his own arm around Hux’s waist. Thinner than he would have expected, he noticed without meaning to. Hux wasn’t happy about this arrangement, but gripped onto Ren’s shoulder and concentrated the shifting ground. This was a far-from-easy task. In trying to put one foot in front of the other, Hux’s feet often found their way in front of Ren’s and they nearly tripped several times. More infuriating yet was that Ren was pretty sure Hux was doing it on purposet. For his part, Hux was sure Ren was doing the same. In all likelihood, they both were.

In this fashion, they walked wobbly towards the exit. The small hostess smiled broadly at them, “So sweet!” She cooed. Ren curled his fingers into a claw and waved his hand. “No, it’s not!” She grinned even bigger, “Sure it is!”

Ren pinched his eyes closed, willing himself not to break down now. He was never drinking tequila again.

\--

Back aboard the shuttle after an equally-infuriating stumble, Ren punched in the numbers to get Phasma on the intercom.

_“Yes, General, Phasma reporting.”_

“This isn’t Hux, Phasma, it’s Kylo Ren. You know, Master of the Knights of Ren?”

Hux rolled his eyes and smacked him upside the head.

_“Oh? Where is General Hux?”_

Ren rubbed his head and glared at Hux. “He’s beside me now. He’s tired from… overexertion, so we’re just going to stay here overnight, okay?”

_“Should I send a transport shuttle down for you two?”_

“No! Don’t!” Hux practically shouted. “We’re perfectly fine. Just need to... do some more work. Long day, that’s all. No cause for alarm. We’ll be back first morning in the thing.” Ren coughed into his hand. “First thing in the morning!” He corrected.

 _“You’ve been drinking, haven’t you.”_ It wasn’t a question.

Hux hiccupped.

Ren waved at the transmitter. “No we haven’t.”

A brief pause. _“Oh for fuck’s sake, you, too, Ren?”_

Ren glowered, looked at his hand as if it were to blame.

“K bye!” said Hux. He swore heard Phasma swear again as he shut off the com link.

“Well that went over well,” Ren said with a hiccup.

“Shut up, this is still your fault." Hux glared. "There’s a fold-out bed in the back in case of emergency. I'll take that, you can sleep on the floor.”

“The fuck, Hux? No way, I’m taking the bed.”

“Not if I get there first.”

They sprang up and raced to the back, stumbling over their own feet, and reached the hide-away at the same time, both grabbing it, pulling it down, and throwing themselves on the small mattress.

“Get off, I was here first.” Ren snarled, pushing Hux.

“No, I was.” Hux shoved back.

“Fine. Stay there. Everyone already thinks we’re sharing a bed anyway.” Ren pouted.

“Well, everyone is wrong.” Hux turned onto his back and let his eyes fall shut.

Ren considered, his mind churning slowly through a drunken haze. The lewd images unconsciously sent to him from the other restaurant patrons were still coursing though his mind. So was the tequila. He was questioning himself as the thought formed, but the alcohol had loosened his inhibitions. There was no coming back now. “Don’t you hate it when everyone is... _wrong_?”

Hux turned his head and peeked one eye open at Ren. “What? I mean, yes. But why?”

“Don’t you like... _correcting_ people?”

Hux was struggling to keep up. Ren’s logic sober was questionable at best, but drunk... well, Hux was out of his depth. “What… are you saying, exactly, Ren?”

“I’m saying, since everyone already thinks we’re sleeping together, maybe we should just do it. At least then they wouldn’t be wrong anymore.”

Hmm, solid logic.

He grabbed Ren by the lapels of his coat and pulled him closer. Ren’s mouth crashed into Hux’s, his hands in his hair. Hux had never been one for kissing, and truth be told, Ren wasn’t even any good, perhaps just inexperienced, but somehow, blame it on the wine, he didn’t want to stop. He allowed Ren’s tongue to poke between his parted lips and introduce itself awkwardly to his own. There was too much saliva, too many teeth, and things didn’t align comfortably, but somehow they worked through it until they were moaning shamelessly into each other’s mouths, not wanting to let go.

“Your ears are ridiculous.” Hux breathed finally, his fingers curling around Ren's large ears.

“Your hair is ridiculous.” Ren said, purposefully scrambling it with his hand.

“At least _mine_  is regulation length.”

Ren grinned stupidly. “What else of yours is regulation length, General?”

In spite of himself and all good sense he thought he had, Hux laughed. Ren laughed at Hux laughing. Hux laughed until his hiccups returned, and when they did Ren laughed at that until his did as well.

Not even remotely trying to re-compose himself, Ren slid his hands up the Hux's shirt and pushed it up over his head, allowing Hux to do the same to him. He fumbled with the belt at Hux’s pants, cursing when his drunken reflexes couldn’t figure it out. Hux shoved him off and undid it himself, pulling his pants off awkwardly. Ren managed to undo his own belt and kicked his legs wildly to get his pants off, still hiccupping. Hux tried to help, but Ren smiled languidly and kissed Hux again, pushing him back onto the mattress. Hux’s hands were in Ren’s hair as he kissed his way down Hux’s neck and torso to his waist. Hux writhed at the touch, waiting for Ren to continue. But he’d stopped. Hux looked down.

Ren was asleep, ass in the air, pants only half-off, his hands still gripping Hux’s sides. Hux frowned and laid his head back against the pillows, disappointed. He took Ren under the arms and pull him up against his chest. Oh well, he thought, he was probably too drunk for this tonight anyway. And they'd have an entire hour of flying back to the  _Finalizer_. They could put it on autopilot and it’d fly itself.

Autopilot.

 _Dammit!_ This mess could have been avoided if only he’d thought of it sooner. Ren snored into his shoulder and wrapped his arms around Hux's torso. Somewhere through his wine-infused haze, Hux had a troubling realization: he was glad he hadn’t thought of it until now. They’d have time in the morning, assuming they didn't fall back into their sober habit of hating each other. He thought about the song that had played in the restaurant. He didn't hate him now, looking innocent and vulnerable in his arms, mouth slack and drooling lightly. Drooling on him. Gross. In a wildly uncharacteristic gesture that could only be explained by an entire bottle of Takodate’s finest wine, Hux kissed the top of Ren's head and hugged him closer, falling asleep with his nose in Ren’s hair. Valentine’s Day. He scoffed. Maybe this planet could keep some of its ridiculous culture after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL WHAT AM I DOING.
> 
> I’m not normally like this I swear. :|


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I'd never try writing another multi-chaptered fic ever again because I never finish them...  
> I also said I'd never write fluff, especially for these two...  
> “Strictly in it for the hate banging,” I said.  
> Well... oops.

The next morning Hux woke up hating everything even more than normal. And his normal was a lot.

He groaned, his head throbbing, throat parched. He didn't want to open his eyes. He was afraid of what he would find. He could feel a warm body beside him, lying far closer than anyone normally dared to be. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he rubbed his eyes and willed himself to return to the painful light of morning. And reality.

Kylo turned his head to look at Hux as he struggled to exist. Hux peered over at him with one squinting eye. He felt his stomach turn. As if it wasn't turning enough already with last night's wine fermenting further.

He turned his head ceiling-wise again and re-closed his eye. _Quick, say something. Don't let Ren draw first blood._ He could sense him opening his mouth already.

“I haven't been this hungover since the Academy,” Hux blurted out, wishing his brain could think of literally anything other than how bad it was aching.

“Really? I feel fine.” Kylo deadpanned.

Hux snapped back to face him in confusion. “Seriously?”

“No.” He confessed. “I threw up twice.”

Hux snorted. “Idiot.” Kylo didn't have the energy to shrug.

Hux felt the dehydration scratching his throat. His mouth tasted acidic and he knew he smelt like booze. He was desperate for water but didn't know if he could manage sitting up just yet.

“On the table next to you,” Kylo said, burying his face into the mattress to block any light from getting into his eyes. He pulled a pillow over his head. Hux looked at him, confused, then looked at the table to find a glass of water waiting for him.

 _Huh_ , he thought, _how did that get there?_

“I got it for you when I was up earlier, getting sick in the bathroom,” came Kylo's muffled response.

Hux blinked. Well that was... thoughtful? He knew he should thank him. But it was _Ren_. And it was Ren's fault he was lying here hungover in the first place, he reminded himself. He grabbed the water and downed the glass in a single gulp. _Ah, better._ He really should thank him. He tried to utter a word of gratitude, his mouth awkwardly trying to form the first sound. He practiced it in his head. It was easy, just a word. _Come on, Hux, you can do this._ It's not that hard. It's just a simple fucking word. A simple, monosyllabic word--

“You're welcome,” said Kylo. “Asshole.” He added. 

Hux glared. “Stay out of my head,” he snarled. “Asshole.” He added.

Kylo ripped the pillow from his head and propped himself up on his elbow. “Then go back to guarding your thoughts, Hux, fuck's sake. They are so incredibly unprotected this morning. It's... loud. You're normally all but unreadable without considerable concentration that, frankly, isn't even worth my or anyone else's time, but today... I can practically _feel_ your headache and it's making mine worse. So stop being loud, I can't take it.”

Hux frowned. He palmed his face. It was Ren's fault they were hungover in the first place, he reminded himself again. Ren's fault they'd slept here overnight on this shuttle, in this tiny bed. Together. And.

Oh.  
_Shit_.

Certain memories were coming back to Hux now. Namely, his tongue down Ren's throat and his hands down his pants. His pants. Hux wasn't wearing any.

Oh.  
_Double shit._

“Shut _up,_ Hux.” Kylo was back to lying face-down on the bed. “I didn't intend to fall asleep.”

Hux made a very conscious effort to protect his next thought: _then you really did intend to blow me?_

If he heard it, Ren gave no indication. He didn't respond. An awkward silence hovered thickly, neither man wanting to break it. Hux was summoning all the mental strength he could to block his thoughts from reaching Ren. He thought about anything he could, spaceships, ewoks, a morale speech he was drafting, what the cafeteria was serving today, an old military song from his childhood that had the unfortunate habit of getting stuck on repeat in his head. Not Ren's eight pack. Not how warm Ren's mouth had been, how it had tasted. Not the way Ren had looked falling asleep on his chest, bare ass in the air. Not his undelivered promises.

Kylo lifted his head. “Hux--” he started, but was interrupted by a rapping sound coming from the front of the ship.

They looked at each other. What the hell was going on now?

“Go see what that is,” Hux commanded.

“Why should I have to?”

Hux hated that he had to admit this: “Because you're already half-dressed.”

Kylo groaned. It was true, he'd at least pulled his trousers back up. He shot Hux a dirty scowl and kicked the blanket off the bed vindictively as he rose to leave. His world wobbled a bit as he stood on shaky legs, and stumbled to the cockpit.

The room lost some of its warmth as Hux watched him leave.

Several minutes passed and Hux hadn't heard the engines come to life or in fact anything that would suggest Ren was doing anything useful up there. Did he even know how to fly this thing? He grit his teeth, preparing himself to go and help Kylo Ren out of yet another situation.

He sat up and rubbed his throbbing temples. He heard Ren talking to someone. Himself? No, there was another voice... indistinct but there. With considerable effort, he managed to sit up. Who the blazes was Ren talking to?

Phasma? No, this voice was deeper, a more masculine timbre.

A panicked thought crossed his mind. Was he talking to Supreme Leader Snoke?!? _Without him?!?_

Hux launched himself out of bed and instantly regretted the decision to become vertical. He steadied himself, doubled over, with his hands on his thighs, recomposing his balance. Quickly, he pulled on his pants and, fueled by little more than petty spite, marched furiously up to the cockpit, shirt be damned.

“ _Why would you stop here overnight anyway?”_  he heard the mysterious voice say.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" Hux snapped at Ren, who was standing at the open door, staring at something, or, rather some _one_ , on the ground. He stomped up to him and looked down. Next to him, Kylo closed his eyes. Characteristically, Hux had shown up at precisely the worst time. His hair was a damn mess, and he still wasn't wearing a shirt.

“Aaah, I get it.” A man on the ground said with an amused grin.

“And what the hell do you want?” Hux barked. Hux ran his eyes over the short but portly creature scribbling something in a small yellow notepad. The uniform indicated he was some sort of police officer. He stopped writing and looked up, arching an eyebrow, clearly not used to be spoken to so harshly.

“Well,” he said, bored, “It looks like you two were so _busy_ last night you failed to see the sign you've docked your ship in front of.”

Hux craned his neck to the sign the officer was pointing at. In bright red letters it read: “no parking between the hours of 0800 and 1700.”

Hux looked at the ship's chrono. “It's 0801.”

“Yep. It sure is,” said the cop, returning to his notepad. “That's why I'm writing you a ticket.”

“You were waiting for this.” Kylo said.

“We are in the process of leaving now,” Hux tried to explain.

“Great!” Said the cop with fake enthusiasm. “Then you won't get a second ticket.” He smiled to himself, uninterested in their continued protests. “Man, I love working the day after Valentine's Day. You can really make a profit collecting on all the poor lovebirds who were so, ahem, _preoccupied_ , they didn't think to move their vessel. Hopefully last night's fun was worth the price this ticket's gonna cost you. Oh, to be young again...”

“We. Didn't.” Hux growled the words out through clenched teeth.

“Oh, no? Then no wonder you boys look so miserable today. Well, in any case, this ticket's not going to make you feel any better, sorry about that, but them's the rules.”

Kylo closed his eyes again and took in a steadying breath.

Hux changed his mind. He had had it with this infernal planet. Once his superweapon was finished, this would be the first to be annihilated. No, they didn't get to keep their Valentine's Day, they wouldn't even get the benefits the First Order provided to its subservient systems. They would get a hot, angry red beam of light that came with a toast, _“to the end of the worst fucking planet in the galaxy.”_

The officer ripped the first page from his notebook and handed it out to them. Kylo stepped forward and waved his hand. “You will drop these charges and leave, forgetting we were ever here.”

The traffic cop looked up at him, annoyed. “What, you think you're some kind of Jedi?”

Kylo looked taken aback, horrified at the accusation. He grabbed his belt for his lightsaber, but he'd left it in the back.

Suddenly, Hux made a quick motion and pointed a regulation blaster right between the cop's eyes.

“Call him a fucking Jedi again.” He dared. Kylo gaped at him.

“Woah, woah, no hard feelings buddy, calm down. Look, put that thing down, all right?”

Kylo refocused his attention on the cop and curled his fingers into a tight claw, “you will drop these charges and leave us alone, forgetting this entire encounter.”

The officer straightened, “I will drop these charges and leave you alone, forgetting this entire encounter.” He said, monotonously, and wandered off looking puzzled.

Kylo turned angrily to Hux. “I don't need you to defend me.”

“I didn't do it for you. I just...” He looked flustered, “like you said last night, I hate it when people are wrong.” Kylo could have sworn he saw Hux flush pink as he turned away to set the ship's course towards the _Finalizer_.

Kylo stood awkwardly in the hallway, unsure of what to do next. Curse Hux and his impossible-to-read demeanor. He wasn't even Force-sensitive, how was he able to be this rattling?

No. Forget it. Don't go there. It's  _Hux_ for Sith's sake.

“I don't know why my Force powers aren't working at their full strength,” he said instead, looking at his hands in dismay as the ship shuddered and prepared for takeoff.

“The hangover is probably interfering with your concentration,” Hux replied, starting up the engines and guiding the ship into a gentle take off. “Or maybe you're just not as great as you think you are.”

Ren whirled around on him. “In my veins runs the blood of Darth Vader, you simpleton.”

“Fascinating,” Hux muttered as the ship inclined. “You have the blood, but not the talent.” Kylo snarled but couldn't go after him, clinging to the wall of the ship as it jerked into a sharp ascent. Hux probably did that on purpose. Once they reached cruising altitude, Hux signaled to the  _Finalizer_ 's flight control deck that they would be docking in just over one hour and set the mode to autopilot.

“Move, Darth Tantrum,” he said pushing past Ren in the hallway and heading back to the small bed.

“I don't need the Force to strangle you with my bare hands.” He growled.

Hux turned on his heel to make a snide retort and Ren lunged at him, seizing him by the throat.

Hux's eyes were hard but he didn't flinch, and he didn't waste time. He kneed him right in the balls. Kylo yelped and crashed to the floor, clutching his crotch.

“And I don't need the Force to put you in your place.”

Still wincing in pain, Kylo grabbed Hux by the leg and threw him off balance. Hux hit the ground hard, headache pounding anew. He made a wild swing at Ren that had no power behind it and Ren deflected it easily. Kylo raised his hand to strike back, but let it fall to the floor, already exhausted from the effort.

Hux sighed. “Fuck. Too hungover for this. I'm going back to sleep.”

He pushed himself up and off the floor, head reeling as he stumbled back to the small bed. Kylo followed suit, still awkwardly holding his crotch.

Hux got there first and collapsed onto the thin mattress. Kylo came to the side but Hux's hand shot out. “Nope.”

“Move over," Kylo said, not intimidated, "I could throw you off this bed with my mind.”

“Do it, then, _Darth_.” Hux challenged, shooting him a cold glare.

“Just... can you not right now? You're not the only one with a hangover. Now move.” Kylo ignored Hux's pathetic attempt to block him and climbed into the bed, face down.

Hux grudgingly moved over and rubbed his head. “I feel like shit.”

“You look like shit.”

“Fuck you, Ren.”

“I believe you tried to last night.”

Hux squeezed his eyes shut again and temporarily forgot to breathe. Of all the things they had likely forgotten about last night, why wasn't that one of them?

“It doesn't have to be this way, you know.” Kylo mumbled.

Hux turned to him. "What are you talking about?”

“You being a dick all the time.”

Hux's eye narrowed. "Then don't piss me off all the time.”

“Oh my Sith Lord, this is exactly what I'm talking about, Hux!” Kylo cried. “Do you ever shut up? Last night we were doing just fine, it was... nice, even," he admitted.

“We were drunk.”

Kylo sighed loudly in resignation. “Fine, be that way. Just...” he shot his hand out to push Hux off the bed, or so Hux thought, but instead it came to rest against his chest, no pressure behind the touch.

Hux had prepared himself for a hard shove, but relaxed his muscles when it seemed like Ren wasn't going to make any further moves. In fact, he'd already closed his eyes again, half hidden behind his mop of hair. Hux let out a tense breath and shut his own eyes. As soon as he'd done so, he felt a great force move him sideways into Ren's embrace. His eyes flew back open in surprise.

“Shut up,” Kylo mumbled into his shoulder.

Hux said nothing, but turned onto his side, facing away, and allowed Ren to wrap himself up behind him. This was... weird. Blaming it on the post-drinking fog clouding his rational mind, he allowed his breathing to slowly steady and he drifted off into a comfortable sleep, feeling Ren snoring softly into his hair.

A regrettably short hour later, an alarm let them know that they were approaching the hangar of the  _Finalizer_. Hux woke up and Ren shifted around him, hugging him slightly. Hux was unnerved, and still hungover. “Get off, I have to land the ship.”

Kylo released him and Hux stood, pulled on his shirt He walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. He cringed. Ren had been right; he _did_ look like shit. Dark circles under tired, bloodshot eyes, hair a mess, skin looking even paler than usual. He reeked of booze. Running some water in the sink, he attempted to smooth his unkempt hair. He hoped to anything Phasma wouldn't be there waiting for them when they arrived.

\--

She was, of course. And even from behind her helmet, Hux _knew_  what look she was giving.

He had at least managed to make himself look half-presentable, which was more than could be said for Kylo Ren. All he'd done was put on his t-shirt and mask. And, frankly, he looked fucking ridiculous. Hux was embarrassed _for_ him.

“General Hux. Master Ren.” Phasma nodded to each of them. “I trust the mission went well and you had a good night.”

“Phasma.” Hux nodded curtly and walked right past her, having to remind himself that he was the General of the First-Order-thank-you-very-much and Captain Phasma, no matter how invaluable her service, was not going to shame him. He went straight to the bridge to bark commands at his underlings.

Technically, Kylo Ren wasn't even part of the First Order, so he had that much less cause to worry about what Phasma had to say as he brushed by, heading straight for his quarters to pass the hell out.

Phasma shook her head but said nothing, glad her helmet was masking her expression.

\--

Later that night, Kylo Ren stared out a viewport in an empty control room on one of the lesser-frequented decks of the  _Finalizer._ He hadn't managed to get much sleep after their return, finding his room too cold, his mattress too stiff, his mind too unsettled. Instead he'd laid uncomfortably awake in his bed as waves of hangover pains washed over him intermittently. He had eventually grown tired of that vague sense of seasickness and frustrated with his inability to sleep and gotten up to gaze at what was arguably the best view on the ship. Holding his helmet in hand, he looked down on the tiny planet from where they'd just returned. So small and insignificant. No one would miss it once Hux destroyed it. Maybe he would even let Kylo go down there and slash things apart with his lightsaber first. He was brought out of his reverie when he sensed a presence looming behind him.

“General Hux.” He said without turning, “What are you doing here so late?”

Hux straightened. He hadn't expected to find Ren here. He thought he alone knew about this mostly secluded room with the spectacular view. He had been the one who'd positioned the ship for this, anyway. “I could ask you the same, Ren.”

Ren shrugged. “I asked you first.”

Hux sighed. Fair enough. “Couldn't sleep,” he replied and came to stand beside Ren, whose attention hadn't left the tiny green planet below.

“Then we're the same.”

Hux scoffed. _The same?_ Hardly.

They stared outward in silence for a long moment. “You know, Ren,” Hux began, in spite of himself, “If you want, you could...” Hux refused to let that sentence finish, angry with himself for having even started it. But, the idea had already formed in his mind.

Ren heard the thoughts slip from Hux's head, unguarded as they had been this morning lying hungover in that cramped shuttle. _...sleep in my room?_

He turned to Hux, who very cautiously turned to him in return. Ren dropped his mask and didn't think twice to surge forward and grab Hux by the collar of his greatcoat, pulling him into a warm kiss. Hux hadn't even seen it coming. He put up the most feeble and unconvincing fight before allowing Ren's tongue passage into his mouth. He didn't flinch when Kylo ran his fingers through his perfectly sculpted hair, his own hands coming to rest on Kylo's hips.

 _Yes, I'd like that._ Kylo thought to Hux, pulling away. He wasn't sure if he could mind-speak with Hux in this way but when the corners of Hux's seemingly permanent frown upturned slightly, Kylo knew he'd succeeded.

Before heading out the door, they cast one last look at the tiny planet in the viewport.

After all, there were still a lot of very wrong people down there who needed to be made right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tf am i still doing. :|


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've descended into all-out crack now, sorry/not sorry.  
> Big thanks to everyone in this garbage can fandom for helping sustain my interest and motivation! Really, thank you! I think this is the first time I've ever actually finished a WIP. ^^

The door buzzer sounded and Hux pressed the button to answer it. “Who is it?”

“General Hux, it's Lieutenant Mitaka, sir. Captain Phasma sent me to deliver yesterday's reports from the bridge.”

“Enter.”

Mitaka straightened in the doorway. He wasn't sure why he was nervous, but he supposed it was just his predisposition to anxiety, and being invited into General Hux's quarters wasn't exactly something he had a protocol for dealing with, no matter how many times he was sent to act as the First Order's reluctant messenger. He gave himself a reassuring pep-talk: it was his purpose to be here, as commanded by Captain Phasma, he had the reports to prove it, and he would be rewarded for the task's completion, so long as he survived. _So long as he survived,_ his brain repeated unhelpfully as he marched into the antechamber, noting that Hux wasn't occupying his usual spot hunched over his desk, drafting another morale speech or programming another battle simulation.

“Back here,” came Hux's voice from room beyond.

Mitaka hadn't expected to be called into Hux's bedchambers, but he sucked in a deep breath and followed the voice into the next room.

“These documents are fro--” he paused mid-sentence, his lips twitched. Hux was shirtless, at least, sitting up in bed with his tousled bedsheets draped over his lap. Also draped over his lap was an equally-shirtless, dark-haired man that Mitaka knew was none other than Kylo Ren. Though the knight had never shown his unmasked face on the bridge, Mitaka had seen the old pictures a group of teenage stormtroopers had dug up in First Order archives and snickered about amongst themselves. Mitaka wondered what had ever happened to those stormtroopers... they had disappeared entirely not long after, never heard from again.

“Something wrong, Lieutenant?” Hux asked, looking overly-smug, showing off. The fingers of his right hand were tangled in Kylo's hair, and in his left he held a thin cigarette perched between his lips.

Mitaka had almost forgotten the reports he was carrying. “I didn't know you smoked, sir.”

Hux stopped and stared at him mid-drag. Kylo peeked an eye open.

“Is that all you have to say?”

“Also you're not wearing your greatcoat.” He was met with two blank stares and Mitaka suddenly remembered the contents of his hands, “Oh, here's those files Captain Phasma sent, should I just leave them on your desk?”

Hux withdrew his hand from Kylo's hair and pointed down at him sharply, “You have nothing to say about _this_?”

“Oh, my apologies,” he forced a smile. “I didn't mean to be rude. Good morning, Master Ren.”

“It doesn't surprise you that he's _here_?” Hux asked pointedly.

“No? Why would it?”

Hux's eyes narrowed. Mitaka was an nervous wreck, but he wasn't lying. The anxiety rendered him incapable of it. Hux angrily stamped his cigarette out on Kylo's side, eliciting from him a yelp of pain. Mitaka winced with empathy, but still failed to look surprised. Simply because he wasn't.

“Get out.” Hux growled.

“Yes, sir,” Mitaka bowed and left, setting the documents on Hux's desk.

Returning to the bridge, his heart still racing, Mitaka could barely suppress his broad grin. He was going to win that betting pool after all.

–

“It's like he'd _expected_ you here!” Hux cried, outraged. He had wrapped his bedsheets around his waist and was now standing at his viewport, smoking a second cigarette. Kylo had been left uncovered and naked on the bed, rubbing the burn left by Hux's first with mild annoyance.

“Indeed, he did. I sensed it from him, he already knew. His thoughts-- they were. Preoccupied.”

“ _With_?” Hux demanded.

“Survival, foremost, and then... money, it would seem.”

“Money? He intends to blackmail me?” Hux was beside himself. “He'll have no such luck with that, I invited him into my room so that he would see. So that they _all_ would see how I've tamed the beast that is Kylo Ren. This crew that fears you, when they see that I don't-- that I allow you to lay comfortably in my bed-- they will see my power.”

Kylo was almost impressed by this new level of stupidity. He wasn't used to Hux being the ridiculous one. That was Kylo's job. Besides, he was completely off-base-- another thing far more prevalent in Kylo's work history than Hux's. He shook his head. “No, you moron, blackmail is against Mitaka's character, no matter what kind of deluded fantasies you entertain. He lacks the backbone for such endeavors.”

Hux remained tense, waiting for him to continue.

“He has a bet riding on this.”

“A _bet_?”

“I don't know the details, but a scan of his mind suggested there's a betting pool going around of when... well.”

“ _Well?_ ”

“Of when this would happen. Us.”

Hux felt the anger rising, his face freshly flush with red-hot heat. “We. Are NOT. an _us._ ”

Kylo scowled back at him. “Regardless, we slept together, whether you want to admit it or not, and that was the criteria for winning. I suspect that panicky ball of nerves will get some sort of reward for having been the one to discover us first.”

“But why would anyone place bets on _that_? The thought hadn't even crossed my mind until that _stupid_ night on that _stupid_ planet. I had never shown you anything but contempt until then and you marched around here like I don't exist! We don't even _like_ each other, Ren!”

Kylo shrugged furiously. “I don't know, Hux. I really don't know. Even after being present and willing for the events of last night, I wouldn't dream to wager on such a absurd thing to happen, even now, lying here naked and ravaged in your bed.” He rubbed the mark in his side where Hux had put out his cigarette. “And did you really have to burn me like that?”

Hux ignored the question. “Get dressed. We're going to get to the bottom of this.”

\--

“Colonel Datoo!” Hux said by way of announcing his presence in the control room. Following closely, Kylo Ren swooped in, his robes flowing behind him.

The colonel straightened to attention, matching Hux's gaze. “General.”

“We need to ask you some questions. Come.” Colonel Datoo looked from Ren to Hux and nodded, following the pair as they led him down the corridor to a meeting room free of curious onlookers and eavesdroppers.

Hux indicated for him to sit in a chair before a desk. Hux himself stood in the space between the chair and the desk, his penetrating glare boring into the colonel. To his left stood Ren, mood unreadable behind his mask.

“Are you a gambling man, Colonel?” Hux said in a curious intonation.

Datoo regarded the men warily, but gave no indication of being intimidated. “I suppose it depends on what the odds are, General. I'd never place a bet that had no chance of a payoff, but if the reward outweighed the doubt, well, then I suppose I might take a chance.“

“And have you made any bets recently?”

Colonel Datoo swallowed. He struggled against the tingling in the back of his mind, trying to keep his expression neutral. “Why do you ask?”

“Don't play games with me, Colonel.”

Ren's fingers curled and Colonel Datoo felt an invisible pressure pressing on his throat. “Tell us what you know.”

\--

The information extracted from the colonel, and several other equally unfortunate members of the bridge crew later, led Hux and Kylo to believe that this was a much wider scheme than just the junior and senior officers.

“Why aren't we going after that lieutenant who came in earlier?” Kylo asked of Hux as they marched down the corridor, actively ignoring the side-eyed glances and hushed pointing.

“That would be too obvious. Have you no tact?”

Kylo rolled his eyes. “I could run them all through with my lightsaber?” He suggested. "How's that for tact?"

“A fine idea, Ren, except it seems now that would leave us with a rather meager crew. Until we figure out who started this, we keep interrogating.”

The pair stopped abruptly in front of two stormtroopers guiltily exchanging currency. They dropped everything as soon as they saw Hux and Ren standing over them and took off in opposite directions. Only one was lucky enough to escape capture.

–-

The young stormtrooper woke up restrained. She couldn't remember how she'd gotten here or what had happened leading up to this detention, but the sight of Kylo Ren looming over her as General Hux stood authoritatively off to one side gave her some indication of what this was all about.

“General Hux, I can explain--”

“Silence,” Hux cut her off. “It seems you are quite the gambler, BL-4913.”

“General, I swear, I'm just trying to get out of debt.”

“Debt? The First Order provides...” Hux's narrowed eyes bore into hers. He frowned. “You're talking about a gambling debt, aren't you?”

“Look, I admit, I have a bit of a problem. It's just... It started out as fun, you know? Everyone else was doing it, and one thing leads to another...”

“What do you mean, 'one thing leads to another'?”

Her shrug was somewhat repressed by the restraints. “I mean, there are so many side bets going on now I'd be surprised if there's anyone on this ship that doesn't have a wager on one thing or another.”

“Side bets?” Hux flicked his eyes up at Ren, who had cocked his head in matched confusion. “What kinds of side bets are we talking about here, BL-4913?”

She looked between the two of them uncomfortably.

“Please speak at liberty. This may be your only time to do so. The alternative is,” Hux didn't have to finish that sentence. Ren raised his gloved hand to her temple. She winced.

“All right, all right. Side bets usually entail certain... details,” She writhed nervously in her restraints.

“ _Such as_?” Hux ground out through clenched teeth.

BL-4913 was pink-faced and beginning to sweat. “Well,” she tried to ignore Kylo's menacing presence over her.

Hux leaned in closely as well, “Tell us, what were you betting on in the hallway there, BL-4913?”

Ren hadn't even begun to lay into her mind yet, when she confessed, “I made a bet on whether or not you have a foot fetish, sir.” She'd shut her eyes as she said this, opening them briefly as if to see the world one last time before her execution. She quickly cast her gaze downward. The lingering silence was heavy and unending.

The tips of Hux's ears had begun to match the color of his hair. “I most certainly do not!” He snapped at Kylo when he felt Ren looking at him expectantly.

Kylo's surprise at being caught snooping was further confounded by BL-4913 muttering “damn” under her breath. They both refocused their attention on her. She recoiled.

“I'll leave this to you.” Hux said to Ren, not taking his searing gaze off of the stormtrooper. He turned on his heel and left the interrogation chamber.

\--

Not long after, Kylo rejoined him, having erased BL-4913's memory of the encounter and releasing her back to her division with the vague sense that she had somehow dodged a massive bullet, though had simultaneously accrued significantly more debt.

“Well, what else does she know?”

“Not much, it would seem. Her bets are reckless, unfounded. She had a lot riding on that one in particular.”

Hux inhaled sharply. “This is a disaster. I was supposed to be in control of this ...situation. I had planned to use it to my advantage.”

“Well, that backfired spectacularly,” Kylo remarked, unimpressed.

“As things with you are wont to do,” countered Hux bitterly.

“Why must you make everything my fault?”

“Because everything usually _is_ your fault, Ren! Including this!”

“Funny, I didn't hear you complaining about this last night,” Ren shot back, adding, when Hux's mortification rendered him silent again, “regardless, BL-4913 did have one piece of the puzzle that may prove important: she was informed of this gambling ring by members of the FN division.”

“Hmm,” Hux said, “let's go.”

\--

FN-2187 was wheeling a large dumpster through the hallways when, out of nowhere, Kylo Ren appeared in his path, causing him to startle. He recomposed himself only to find General Hux standing rigidly behind him, hands clasped behind his back. He startled again and then snapped to attention. “Sirs!”

“FN-2187,” Hux began stoically, “We have some questions.”

“Yes sir,” he saluted Hux, though he had never been quite sure what the protocol was in dealing with Ren. He wasn't exactly a First Order commander, though no one would dare question his authority aboard the _Finalizer._ He saluted him anyway. Regardless Ren's rank, he was an unknown quantity whose only function seemed to be unnerving everyone. FN-2187 expected that was exactly why he was here now, and was grateful his helmet hid his unease, though he supposed it hardly mattered; he'd also heard the rumours that Kylo Ren could see into the minds of his targets, regardless of how much they tried to resist. He told himself this prickling feeling he felt creeping into the folds of his brain was nothing more than his own nerves. _Stay calm, stay calm._

“You are aware that gambling aboard this vessel is explicitly prohibited, are you not, FN-2187?” Hux asked, though it was hardly a question.

FN-2187 shifted uncomfortably. “Obviously,” he said with forced confidence.

“And that violators of these rules will be dealt with swiftly and mercilessly?”

He shifted again, “of course, sir. It's only right.”

“Tell me, FN-2187, what do you know of a certain wager making it rounds on this ship?”

“I--” FN-2187 stammered, shifting on his feet. “I'm not sure if I know what you're talking about, sir.”

Hux's expression darkened. Kylo didn't need a drop of midi-chlorian Force-sensitivity in his body to know that FN-2187 was a terrible liar. That much was clear, and even Hux knew it. Kylo moved in on him swiftly. FN-2187 cowered, then leaned in to whisper, “Okay, all right, I guess you must know by now, there's this... betting exchange. I had no part in this, I swear, but some of the other stormtroopers... well, they've been placing bets on...” he trailed off, stepped back. “Well. You know. When you--”

“We know!” Hux practically shouted at him. He took a brief moment to recollect himself. Perhaps Ren's temper was rubbing off on him. “We want to know who started it,” Hux said, slightly calmer this time. His eyes were pointedly fixed on him with a glare so piercing, FN-2187 felt like he was being physically stabbed. He wanted to hide in the dumpster he was wheeling. Wouldn't even mind being thrown down the garbage chute at this point. Anything to get away from this line of questioning, from this topic, which, he honestly had had nothing to do with. He'd even expressed dismay that his fellow infantry mates were participating in this stupid game.

~

“ _Oh lighten up, FN-2187, it's just harmless fun.”_

“ _Yeah, that's what you're saying now. Wait until one of them finds out and then it's bye-bye FN team.”_

“ _Please. You'd better get in now while the ante's low, before it catches on to the rest of the ship. Everyone is going to be making wagers, the payout is going to be huge! And they're not going to find out. Those two don't even realize how bad they want each other.”_

FN-2187 had puzzled over that. _“Then... why bet at all? Isn't the victor determined by when they actually hook up? If_ they _don't even know that they want to--”_

“ _You just don't get it, do you?”_

He shrugged. He supposed not. He left the others to their game, not even sure why anyone would even want to think about General Hux and Kylo Ren sleeping together, much less risk their lives betting on it if either of them were to find out. But that wasn't his problem. He was staying the hell out of it.

~

FN-2187 was snapped from his flashback by Ren's presence drawing nearer, his unseen gaze boring into him. “No. It wasn't him.” He said, decisively. “And he doesn't know. He's utterly clueless. About everything, it seems.”

“Hey!” FN-2187 made to protest, but quickly caught himself. “Is it true? You can, like, read minds or something?” He sounded curious, perhaps overtly so, and added, “sir.”

Kylo didn't bother to explain. Hux frowned deeper, if that were even possible. “Then we continue.”

FN-2187 had never felt more relieved than when he watched the two of them march off, side-by-side down the corridor to interrogate their next victim.

 _Well, maybe Zeros was on to something,_ decided FN-2187, finally starting to get "it". He made a mental note to ask who had won the pot.

\--

The day was coming to a close and still Hux and Ren were no closer to discovering who was behind the treacherous wagering game. They stood in Kylo's room, in front of a giant transparent board that detailed everything they'd found out so far in the general's neatly looping handwriting, every so often punctuated by Ren's frantic barely-legible scrawl. Hux was studying it carefully. It seemed participation was high, ship-wide, in all divisions, in all ranks. To the participant who rightly guessed when the two of them would be definitively found out, a vast and ever-growing sum of credit would be paid. That had been the opening gambit, now something of a progressive lottery rolling over each week that the game went on. And, much to their mutual horror, there were countless other proposition bets flying around regarding where the eventual discovery would take place, in what fashion, and who had been the one to put what where, amongst other things. Of course, Hux and Kylo already had the answers to these questions, and many more, yet they were still lost as to how this entire game _originated_. And just how exactly anyone had planned on proving any of these diabolical wagers one way or another was a second, though perhaps more immediate, concern.

“I keep telling you Supreme Leader Snoke should use a clone army,” said Kylo. Hux sighed internally and otherwise ignored him.

He studied the board. Kylo _was_ bored.

“Give it a rest, Hux,” Kylo said, setting his mask aside. “We've interrogated half this ship already and are no closer to the truth. Besides, it's already happened, so what does it matter who started it?”

Hux gave him an incredulous look. “You know, this is exactly why I'm the General of the First Order and you're just some unhinged mercenary.”

He wanted to further lecture Ren on the importance of strategy, of understanding cause and effect, action and consequence, but managed to refrain. Instead, his eyes combed over the wagers they'd been able to discover from the day's interviews and the numbers they'd estimated under each individual bet. This game had been going on for _weeks_. And far too many people had bet on him having a foot fetish. Perhaps it was the boots? Even prior sexual experience was on the betting table, it seemed, with bets being placed on any number of previous encounters from zero up into the hundreds. The payout for Kylo having some infernal thing called “yaoi hands” was 2 to 1, on. Inappropriate use of “Force choking” was probably the safest bet of all, hardly worth the hassle of making it in the first place. And the odds for “who tops?” were rigidly locked at an even 50:50.

Hux frowned. It was all too well-planned, too exacting, too _complete,_ to be the work of mere bored stormtroopers. “I just can't shake the sense that we've walked straight into a trap.”

“Then we wait to see who collects the winnings from this morning, and I'll slice them in half.”

Hux was not entirely opposed to the idea.

“Let them have their game,” Kylo said, coming to nuzzle his face into the crook of Hux's neck. “You get to have me.”

 _'I don't WANT you!'_ was the knee-jerk response Hux thought to fire back, but he held his tongue, let go of the thought. He wasn't sure if that was even true anymore, even despite this mess. As his fingers came to brush gently through Kylo's soft hair, he suspected it wasn't. Maybe it had never been. He frowned outwardly at this thought and Kylo pulled back to smile at him. “Fuck off, Ren.”

Kylo did no such thing, instead bringing his hands to Hux's jawline. “Always so angry.” His thumbs brushed Hux's cheeks as he pulled him in for a kiss, pressing their lips together softly.

“I hate you,” Hux murmured into his mouth.

Kylo was still grinning, “I know.”

As they kissed, Hux's fingers slipped under Kylo's tunic, digging into his slender hips, into the burn he had put there earlier. He wondered how many credits that would earn someone as he allowed Ren's tongue to slip between his parted lips. Another winner created when Ren's hands unclasped his polished belt and slid under the waistband of his trousers. Perhaps BL-4913's debt had grown again when Hux gave Ren's hair a firm tug and walked him backwards to the bed. Would it help her, financially, if she knew how Ren had flipped Hux onto his back and pinned his wrists to the bed? How his lips pressed softly against Hux's again? How damnably close Hux was to moaning into his open mouth?

The friction between their grinding bodies was coming to a crescendo, when suddenly it was interrupted by a ping from Hux's datapad.

“Uh. Get off, I need to get that,” Hux said, pushing Kylo off and reaching for the tablet.

“Seriously?” Kylo bitched.

“Shit,” Hux frowned. “Supreme Leader Snoke requests our presence at once. You don't think this is about...”

Kylo shrugged, “why would it matter? Half this ship is placing black market wagers anyway.”

“This ship is subordinate to me, Supreme Leader Snoke is not.”

Kylo rolled his eyes, not wanting to ask why that mattered to Hux. “He probably just wants to know what we learned on that scouting mission."

Hux sighed. “I hope you're right.”

He didn't seem convinced.

He was right not to be.

\--  
“Supreme Leader, I can explain--”

“General!” The great visage of Supreme Leader Snoke twisted into a kind of furious rage, but Hux steadfastly maintained eye contact. “I gave you that credit card for official First Order business, not to be used for romantic dinners on far away planets.”

Kylo Ren was grateful for the mask concealing the way he was nervously biting into his lower lip. Next to him, he felt Hux take in a steadying breath.

“Tell me. Why were you on that Force-forsaken planet in the first place?”

Hux actually looked taken aback at this question. “The-- the mission! Supreme Leader, you yourself had sent us on a scouting mission there.”

Snoke's grip on his throne tightened, as did the tension in his raspy voice. “I did no such thing.”

“Supreme Leader, it's true,” Kylo chimed in, defiantly. “You sent us there to look for Resistance spies and anywhere that might be useful as a base for First Order operations.”

Snoke regarded Kylo with an unreadable expression. “Why would I have done that, Kylo Ren? Why would I have sent you, Master of the Knights of Ren, and him, the General of the First Order, to do something as basic as scouting, something that mere stormtroopers could do? And on that planet's _Valentine's Day_ of all things?”

“I--” Ren stammered, lost for words. He actually didn't know. It didn't make sense. But so few things around here made sense, especially recently, he hadn't bothered to ask.

Hux was just as perplexed, but his mind was at least three steps ahead of Kylo's. “Supreme Leader, if you didn't propose that mission, who did?”

Snoke refocused his attention on Hux, who remained unblinkingly staring into his eyes.

“Who told you I'd ordered such a preposterous command?”

“Captain Phas--” Hux stopped mid-word. Ren whipped his head around to gape at him. Hux's eyes had narrowed dangerously, his lips pursed.

\--

On the other side of the ship, on the lowest floor, in a dark and tucked-away room, Phasma sat crosslegged, happily counting her hard-won credits.

Lieutenant Mitaka knelt before her, less nervous now that this morning's task was being rewarded handsomely. “How did you come up with this brilliant plan, Captain?”

Phasma shrugged, setting a fat stack of credits off to one side and beginning to count another. “It was easy. Everyone on this ship could feel the tension between the two of them, how bad they wanted each other. It was only a question of when they would figure it out themselves. So, I came up with the betting pool to make things a bit more _interesting_ ,” she flicked her eyes at Mitaka and grinned, “and profitable.”

“But how did you convince them to go to that planet, knowing full-well what day it was?”

She waved her hand dismissively. “I told them Snoke requested it of them, personally. You know how they squabble like children for the Supreme Leader's attention. They just needed a bit of a push in the right direction, and this opportunity presented itself nicely. I knew Hux wouldn't bother to research the cultural customs of a rebel planet, and Ren? Please. I doubt he even knows what the word 'research' means.”

Awed by her ingenuity, Mitaka beamed.

Phasma smiled as she handed him his share of the reward. “Really, it was just a matter of being in the right place at the right time.”


End file.
